Swine flu. Run for my life!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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