I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
