And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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