I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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