Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
