she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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