did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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