Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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