my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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