So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
