I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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