real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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