Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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