I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
