I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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