if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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