I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
