Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
