I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The Olympian is in my bed
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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