Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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