We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
