Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
