I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
