I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dignity is for republicans.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
