My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
