my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize