I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
