Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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