Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
