after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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