Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
