I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
