she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
