I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
