Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
