You were right. It hurts to walk today.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Couch. On fire.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
