Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
