The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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