Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
