haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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