I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
