I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I came so hard my ears popped.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
