I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
