What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
