Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
