i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
