This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
