New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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