I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
