Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
why do cheetos always look like penises
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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