I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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