i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
