dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
