ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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