My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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