it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
