his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
