I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
